Best Deal Stop

You know what I really hate? When I open up my shirt drawer only to find that I accidentally threw a pair of boxers in there. Because I live by my decisions, which means I need to find a way to wear those boxers as a shirt. And no matter how much I innovate my boxers to be shirt-like, the bus driver still gives me a weird look.

Clearly, what I’m getting at here is that organization is the key to success. And if you want to organize stuff at your business, you’re going to need some filing cabinets. I shared the above anecdote from my life because filing cabinets are basically a dresser drawer for your business’s underwear – documents and files that comfort and protect your business’s metaphorical junk. (Important Note: DON’T wear any of your business’s documents as underwear because then if someone pulls down your pants as a prank, it could be considered insider trading...)

But here’s the thing about filing cabinets: everyone files their stuff the same way, alphabetically. This makes sense because it means you can hire new employees and they will automatically understand your system. But, on the other hand, if a spy from a rival company sneaks into your office, he can also crack the code. So to defend yourself, you’ll need to come up with a new filing system that will be clear to you and your employees but not spies, and we here at Sean University have a few ideas to get you started:
 
The Nude Photos System: You take folders and label them “totally naked supermodels,” “mostly naked super models,” “partially naked super models,” “clothed super models,” and “normal people in turtlenecks.” Then arrange your documents in these folders with least important documents going in the folders implying the most nudity and vice versa. Any spy who comes in will get distracted by the folders that say “totally naked supermodels,” but once he opens it, he’ll think, “These people think boring, unimportant business documents are sexy? Wow, I’d hate to see how lame the ‘normal people in turtlenecks’ folder is.” And then he’ll leave.  (Important Note: this system can totally backfire if your rival company employs a bunch turtleneck pervs as their spies.)

The Egg Beaters System: This is one of the simplest but also most expensive option. Basically, it works like this – you leave all your important documents filed the same way as before, but you add three more filing cabinets which you fill with egg beaters. Arrange the room so that these three are closest to the door. Then, if a spy shows up and starts going through your stuff, he’ll check the first few filing cabinets and think, “oh, this must be the room where they file their egg beaters, not their important documents.”

The Poisonous Snake System: Like the Egg Beaters System, this is a pretty simple solution, but unlike the egg beaters system, you don’t need to buy three extra filing cabinets. Just leave everything the same and then put one poisonous snake in each filing cabinet, so if someone breaks in, he’ll get bit! (Important Note: in order for this system to work, all employees must be snake charmers.)

The No Information System: This one is probably the most intriguing: all you need to do is run a business where you don’t do anything. Then if a spy shows up, there will be nothing for him to spy on. If you figure out how to run a business that doesn’t do anything but still makes enough money to stay in business, please contact me. I’d like to hear about that.

So we showed you ours, now you show us yours in the comments. Um, ideas for filing systems, that is.


 

As many of you heard, there was a really important press conference the other day concerning the future endeavors of an internet juggernaut. That’s right – to the eager audience of my two cats, I announced that I would write a Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership (SAUBMDL) blog post for this week just like I did last week, and that I would strive to make the content as brilliant and insightful and the pictures as amazingly vivid as you’ve come to expect over the last couple months. This is truly groundbreaking news, and I hope that you’ll all take a moment to join me in congratulating myself for being brave enough to keep doing the same thing as before.

When you start your own business, you’re going to have to make big important announcements at press conferences too. If this seems intimidating, that makes sense; in a recent survey, researchers discovered that public speaking is the second most common fear among adults. In fact, it was only narrowly beaten out for first place by “public speaking in front of an audience of mountain lions.”

But, don’t be afraid. I’ll make it easier by answering some of the most common questions about public speaking at press conferences...

What’s the difference between public speaking and normal speaking?

In public speaking, you stand behind a podium, which means no one can see your legs, which means you have to work extra hard to make sure you keep people engaged because everyone’s already distracted wondering a) if you even have legs at all and b) if they’re robot legs.

I need to hold a press conference to announce my company’s new French press. How do I welcome people into the French Press Press Conference without people thinking I’m stuttering?

Simple, just say “press” once but take twice as long as usual to say it.

If I hold a press conference to unveil my company’s newest product, and it’s a dictionary, how can I trust that everyone will understand the words I’m using to announce it?

You can’t. That’s why you show some pictures with only simple words, like this one:

I’m planning on having my vocal chords removed because they’re just too damn distracting. Will this hinder my ability to speak at press conferences?

No! There is still a way! Just grow a mustache that covers your mouth so no one can see whether it’s moving or not, and then play a recording of someone else giving a press conference. (The fun part is, you can hire a really awesome celebrity to read for you, and then everyone will be like, “Wow, I didn’t expect that guy to sound so much like Benicio Del Toro!”)

Is it true that you’re supposed to imagine the audience naked?

No, you’re supposed to imagine that you’re naked, so then if you mess something up, you can tell yourself, “Not bad for a naked guy!”

Oh no! It’s me, the French press guy again! I didn’t see your response until just now! When I held the conference, I tried to just say press twice really quickly, but then I accidentally said it three times. What should I do?

The great thing about press conferences is that you’re announcing things that other people don’t know about. So if you say something wrong, don’t admit you made a mistake. Just run with it. Looks like you’ll have to start designing a French press that presses other French presses. Good luck!

If you'll be meeting the press and/or facing the nation in the near future, for God's sake, don't go anywhere near a microphone without asking me for help in the discussion thread. They'll tear you apart like a pack of jackals, who are actually way more incisive questioners than mountain lions.

To get into my office here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership (SAUBMDL), I have to scan a badge. This might seem annoying, but here’s the thing: you know who doesn’t have badges? Wolves! That’s who! And so as long as I have to scan a badge to get in, I can rest assured that there’s no need to worry about bloodthirsty wolves in the office. It makes me feel safe.

Now, when you’re starting your own business, you’ve got to consider how many bloodthirsty wolves do you want around. Was your answer anything other than zero? Then you’re not fit to run a business. GET OUT! GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW! For the rest of you, though, we here at Sean University would like to offer you some advice on designing the perfect badge for your business.

The front of the badge will identify employees coming into the building:

A lot of amateur badges will just have one picture, but employees don’t look exactly the same every day. Which is why your business’s badge should have at least four pictures, covering the following contingencies...

A) what the employee looks like usually

B) what the employee will look like on Casual Friday

C) what the employee will look like if he grows a mustache (you never know when a mustache will strike your business)

D) what it will look like if your employee dies (Note: This should be a computer-generated photo. If it isn’t that means you’re paying a dead-guy. If an employee starts to look like this, immediately report him to HR.)

With these four pictures, your security guards will have no problem identifying your employees. Under that is the standard stuff:

E) what other people call the employee

F) what you call the employee

G) the barcode to the scanner machine (because for some reason it’s not allowed to have it tattooed on each employee’s forehead! People these days! They get so worked up about petty things.)

That’s all the stuff you need for your employees to get in the door. But what about once they’re in the office? Sure the front of the badge will help people learn each other’s names. But how do you help employees understand their standing in the company or how they should interact with each other? That’s where the back of the badge comes in:

Here you’ll find each employee’s vital stats:

H) This is everyone the employee is higher than in the company. If you don’t see your face here, feel free to delegate however much work you want onto him as long as…

I) his intelligence is low enough that he won’t realize you’re taking advantage of him. Here, our employee is about as smart as a dog or a bonsai tree. So, you’re probably okay to throw anything his way. Still, he might get angry, in which case, you’ll need to know if he can…

J) beat you up with his karate moves. This employee is particularly dangerous because, on top of the standard chop and kick, he knows the fireball. Of course, when entering a deadly fight with someone, it’s also important to know…

K) what they have to live for in this world. Here, the employee only has his two cats, which can spell trouble if you try to take him on.

This is a good template to follow, but obviously more can be added. What would you put on your company’s badge, students?

We’re going to start today’s lesson with an exercise. Please complete the following steps:

1. Pour yourself a glass of water.
2. Drink it.

How do you feel? For starters, you probably notice that your mouth is wetter than before. Maybe you feel refreshed or maybe not if you weren’t thirsty before. Now repeat steps 1 and 2 imagining you were a computer. How do you feel this time? That’s right: DEAD!

There are only two things in the world that hate water and they are computers and cats, but we’re going to focus on computers because you can’t run your business through a cat (unless you’re REALLY good with cats). As a business owner, it’s really important to keep your computers dry, but since you like water and need it to survive, you might not know how to do this correctly. That’s why, here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership (SAUBMDL), we have put together some helpful tips to help you keep your valuable hardware from getting wet...

1. Don’t buy computers that are shaped like the bottom part of a water coolers. This encourages careless employees to upend open, gigantic bottles of water onto your computers, which is something that should generally be discouraged.

2. If an employee asks if he/she can work from home, make sure he doesn’t live underwater before saying he/she can.

3. Make sure your business has a roof to avoid rain damage. Roofs are costly and troublesome, so it's tempting to cut corners by going without one. Don't do it.

4. Avoid naming your business after a river, so that water doesn’t mistake your business for a place where it can hang out.

5. Instate a no-cactus policy. While they may seem to promote dryness, these plants actually hold water inside themselves for long periods of time and can burst at any moment.

6. Giving each employee a sink at his/her desk is a bad idea. Giving each employee a sink as a desk is just downright dangerous (and ergonomically questionable too).

7. Put a clothing dryer in the corner of your office and make sure it’s always running. It will lead by example.

8. Talk to HR about making crying or sweating a terminable offense.

9. Keep the bathroom well-stocked with paper towels so that employees can dry their hands thoroughly. Also, put the bathroom in a separate building at least two miles from the office.

10. Pour very small amounts of water on your computer every day. Obviously this won’t keep your computer dry, but it might help build up your computer’s immune system when it comes to moisture.

These ten tips are only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to water and your business, so feel free to ask any questions you have below. Oh, and that reminds me: 11. No icebergs. They melt.

With trees, it’s really easy to tell the important ones from the boring ones. The important ones have stuff hanging from them, like fruit. Similarly, it is easy to figure out who is an important business man because he’ll have something hanging from his collar: a tie.

A tie is an essential part of any serious go-getter’s daily outfit. As the founder, president, dean, associate dean, associate dean emeritus, and lead instructor for the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership, I wear a tie all the time, even in the shower but that’s only because my bathroom doubles as a conference room. At any rate, it’s a really good idea to incorporate ties into your business’s dress code. But first, let’s take some time to get to know it. Here are some questions that tie-beginners usually ask...

Why do business people wear ties?

Nobody knows for sure, but here’s my theory: people wear shirts to cover their nipples, but some shirts, like the formal shirts that business people wear, have their own nipples in the form of buttons. So a tie is essentially a halter-top to cover your shirt’s nipples.

Instead of wearing a tie around my neck, could I thread it through my belt loops and use it to keep my pants from falling down?

Yes, if you wear incredibly high-waisted pants, like up-to-your-neck high-waisted. At that point, nothing you do can make the outfit look any worse, so go nuts.

What if my business plan is to lead a revolution that will free humanity from the cloth shackles of formal clothing items such as ties? My employees and I probably shouldn’t wear ties then, right?

Wrong! If you want your revolution to be taken seriously, you need to look presentable. I say wear ties, but make sure to look really tortured about it. Maybe even weep openly. (Ties make great tear wipers!)

How important is it for my tie to match my shirt?

Super important. If your tie has a pattern on it, then your shirt should be a single plain color and vice versa. Plain on plain is fine. But remember this one thing: all of these tips become irrelevant if there’s a noticeable amount of blood on your shirt and/or your tie. Trust me.

I have a shirt with a pattern of cartoon ties on it and a tie with a pattern of cartoon shirts on it. Can I mix these two patterns?

I don’t believe you.

What?

You heard me. I don’t believe that you actually have those articles of clothing.

But I do! I swear

Oh yeah? Then why don’t you show them to me?

Well… umm… I don’t have them right here with me… because I left them… at my house…

Of course you did! Well, then why don’t you run home and grab them? And in the meantime, QUIT WASTING MY DAMN TIME!

Whoa! Sorry I got so upset there. If you’ve got any further questions about ties, feel free to drop them in the comments and I’ll be sure to answer them. Kindly.

Here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership, we always say "Businesses are like people." Sure, there are some things that people have that businesses don’t, like arms and legs. But there are a lot of other things that people and businesses both have, like a drive to succeed or a printer. Another thing that every person and every business has is a spirit animal: an animal that corresponds specifically to its personality, its soul, and sometimes its odor...

With people it’s easy to figure out. For example, if a person you know is really into sitting on windowsills and looking longingly at birds flying by, that person’s spirit animal is probably a cat or a bird that suffers from crippling self-doubt. If a person plays the trumpet, their spirit animal is either a trumpeter swan or an elephant - consult their physique for further similarities. If a person eats bugs, you don't care what their spirit animal is because who wants to hang out with people who eat bugs?

Businesses are a bit harder to pin down. But if you let a little difficulty keep you from completing essential business tasks, you might as well forget about ever advertising your business on sandwich boards, because trust us, that gets really old after like ten minutes. Luckily, here at Sean University we’re experts on both business and animals. So here are a few common business methods we’ve noticed and their corresponding spirit animal.

• Despite it being huge, nobody even knows if your business really exists. Your business’s spirit animal is: a giant squid.
• It takes forever for your business to do anything, and when someone calls you out for your slowness, everyone gets very introspective. That, or they bite the person who called them out and never ever let go. Your business’s spirit animal is: a snapping turtle.

• Your business appears to be doing nearly nothing at all. Nobody pays attention to it until your goods/services begin slowly making their way into the community. At first, your impact is faint and almost unnoticeable, but soon it becomes overbearing and someone has to open a window. Your business’s spirit animal is: a sleeping dog.
• Everyone at your business is really weird and none of your employees’ clothes ever match. Your business’s spirit animal is: duck-billed platypus.
• There is much unrest in your business. Higher-ups are always fighting about the direction they would like the company to go in. Eventually the tension becomes too great and the company splits into two very similar businesses. And both businesses are pretty gross and nobody wants to touch them. Your business’s spirit animal is: an earthworm.
• Your business moves fast. Every day is a race to overcome your competition, and you never waste a second in reacting instantly to the latest twists and turns. There’s also this weird thing where, from time to time, your business needs to kill and eat a zebra to survive. Your business’s spirit animal is: a cheetah.

A stuffy, traditional college will have you believe that you get your degree at the end of a program, but here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership, we take a more proactive approach. We don't just hand you a degree and release you into the world. We give you a degree before the program is over so that you can get used to having a degree before being able to use it for anything. So it is with great honor that I unveil the “Sean Adams University advanced degree of advanced completion given in advance.” Click, print, and watch your earning power soar.

I’m actually so excited about this that I’ve written a little speech. So, here it is, my pre-commencement post-convocation address:

Ladies and gentleman of the graduating class of whenever we wrap this thing up, I have arbitrarily decided that today is a great day. As you stand here in front of friends, family members, and spambots, you should feel that someday you will feel a great sense of pride.

You have started (but not yet completed [but are still getting a degree for {assuming you graduate}]) something that literally anyone with a computer and an internet connection can do. But you, you had the patience and the focus to actually maybe do part of it (I have no way of verifying).

And now you are ready to get ready to go out into the real world, unless you live in a virtual reality. So let us raise our glasses (or virtual glasses) and toast to the ladies and gentleman of the jury. Congratulations, mom and dad! Let's hear it for the happy couple - don't they look great together, folks?

I wasn’t sure how to end it so I weaved together some stuff from other speeches I’ve given. Hope you enjoy the degree. If you print it, put your name on it, and hang it up, you should twitpic a picture @wootlive. See you at next week's lesson!

You know how “antiquing” is when people in nice clothes go to a bunch of different antique stores in one day? Well, “marketing” is something totally different. Don’t think that “marketing” and “antiquing” are at all alike, as we'll see in this week's lesson at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership (SAUBMDL)...

Marketing is the process of advertising your stuff with commercials or by some other means that aren't as effective as commercials so we will never mention their names. With the right marketing, your goods and services will be selling like hotcakes; without marketing, your goods and services will be selling like day-old cold hotcakes in a town where everyone was already allergic to hotcakes anyway. Luckily, here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership, we know all about marketing and we’d love to share our knowledge with you. In fact, we’ve gone ahead and written commercials for some common types of small businesses (you’re welcome):

Tree Trimming Service: A guy and his wife sit outside in their backyard. The wife looks at her watch and says, “Oh my, we’ve nearly missed lemonade time.” So she goes inside for lemonade but gets distracted by some earplugs on the counter, which she tries out (explained later). Soon enough she remembers what she came in for and grabs a pitcher of lemonade. When she goes back out, she finds her husband has been shot. After she drops the lemonade dramatically, cut to a shot of a tree branch putting away a gun with the text on screen reading, “Trees: take them down before they take you down.” (The earplugs part was so she wouldn’t hear the gunshot. That way you don't need to pay gunshot noise royalties.)

Aquarium/Fish Supply Store: On a fishing boat in the middle of the ocean, two sailors pull up an empty net. The captain says, “That’s the seventh day in a row that we haven’t gotten anything. What the heck is going on here?” and the sailor responds, “I just don’t know, captain. It’s like there’s no more fish in the whole ocean.” Then play dramatic music as you zoom in on the captain’s face before cutting to black screen that reads, “You wouldn’t want this to happen in the ocean. Don’t let it happen in your own home! Buy a fish tank and some fish.”

Daycare: There’s a mom and her baby walking around looking for a daycare. They stop at one, and all the babies are putting together furniture with power tools. “I don’t want my baby putting together furniture at this age,” says the mom and they walk out. At the next daycare, there’s no roof. “I had to make a choice between colorful blocks and a roof, and I chose the blocks,” says the daycare teacher. “Seems dangerous in winter weather conditions,” says the mom, and she walks out with her baby. The next daycare has no babies, just tons of meat. “This place used to be a daycare, but then I bought it and turned it into a butcher shop. Man, I really gotta change the sign!” says the butcher, so the mother leaves. The last shot you see is her arriving outside of your daycare and smiling. (But don’t show what she’s smiling at, so if people complain that you misled them into thinking that you run a happy daycare, you can just be like, “Oh, she was smiling because she remembered something funny that happened earlier that day before she arrived at the daycare.” The only thing you’ve guaranteed is that your daycare doesn’t involve furniture assembly, has a roof, and isn’t a butcher shop.)

Massage Parlor: There’s a business man yelling into a cell phone, “I’m so stressed!” Then magically, he’s in a massage chair getting a massage. All his stress floats away and he melts into pure calm. In real life, the melting will be metaphorical, but for an exciting commercial, make the businessman actually melt (maybe into an orange liquid that stains the carpet; then you can get a carpet cleaning business to go halfsies on the ad costs).

These are just a few of the businesses that exist. If you’re trying to launch a different kind of small business, tell me what it is in the comments, and I’ll write you a commercial.

You know how “antiquing” is when people in nice clothes go to a bunch of different antique stores in one day? Well, “marketing” is something totally different. Don’t think that “marketing” and “antiquing” are at all alike, as we'll see in this week's lesson at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership (SAUBMDL)...

Marketing is the process of advertising your stuff with commercials or by some other means that aren't as effective as commercials so we will never mention their names. With the right marketing, your goods and services will be selling like hotcakes; without marketing, your goods and services will be selling like day-old cold hotcakes in a town where everyone was already allergic to hotcakes anyway. Luckily, here at the Sean Adams University of Business Management Development Leadership, we know all about marketing and we’d love to share our knowledge with you. In fact, we’ve gone ahead and written commercials for some common types of small businesses (you’re welcome):

Tree Trimming Service: A guy and his wife sit outside in their backyard. The wife looks at her watch and says, “Oh my, we’ve nearly missed lemonade time.” So she goes inside for lemonade but gets distracted by some earplugs on the counter, which she tries out (explained later). Soon enough she remembers what she came in for and grabs a pitcher of lemonade. When she goes back out, she finds her husband has been shot. After she drops the lemonade dramatically, cut to a shot of a tree branch putting away a gun with the text on screen reading, “Trees: take them down before they take you down.” (The earplugs part was so she wouldn’t hear the gunshot. That way you don't need to pay gunshot noise royalties.)

Aquarium/Fish Supply Store: On a fishing boat in the middle of the ocean, two sailors pull up an empty net. The captain says, “That’s the seventh day in a row that we haven’t gotten anything. What the heck is going on here?” and the sailor responds, “I just don’t know, captain. It’s like there’s no more fish in the whole ocean.” Then play dramatic music as you zoom in on the captain’s face before cutting to black screen that reads, “You wouldn’t want this to happen in the ocean. Don’t let it happen in your own home! Buy a fish tank and some fish.”

Daycare: There’s a mom and her baby walking around looking for a daycare. They stop at one, and all the babies are putting together furniture with power tools. “I don’t want my baby putting together furniture at this age,” says the mom and they walk out. At the next daycare, there’s no roof. “I had to make a choice between colorful blocks and a roof, and I chose the blocks,” says the daycare teacher. “Seems dangerous in winter weather conditions,” says the mom, and she walks out with her baby. The next daycare has no babies, just tons of meat. “This place used to be a daycare, but then I bought it and turned it into a butcher shop. Man, I really gotta change the sign!” says the butcher, so the mother leaves. The last shot you see is her arriving outside of your daycare and smiling. (But don’t show what she’s smiling at, so if people complain that you misled them into thinking that you run a happy daycare, you can just be like, “Oh, she was smiling because she remembered something funny that happened earlier that day before she arrived at the daycare.” The only thing you’ve guaranteed is that your daycare doesn’t involve furniture assembly, has a roof, and isn’t a butcher shop.)

Massage Parlor: There’s a business man yelling into a cell phone, “I’m so stressed!” Then magically, he’s in a massage chair getting a massage. All his stress floats away and he melts into pure calm. In real life, the melting will be metaphorical, but for an exciting commercial, make the businessman actually melt (maybe into an orange liquid that stains the carpet; then you can get a carpet cleaning business to go halfsies on the ad costs).

These are just a few of the businesses that exist. If you’re trying to launch a different kind of small business, tell me what it is in the comments, and I’ll write you a commercial.