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Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

CHICAGO (UPI) -- Chicago rocker Jim Peterik says he is striking a blow for songwriters everywhere by pursuing the full rights to his 1982 hit "Eye of the Tiger."

Lawyers hope to settle the case pre-trial, but are prepared to start a montage sequence if forced.

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) Stephen King is writing a follow-up to his 1977 horror classic "The Shining."

Horror fans are said to be amazed how the master can generate such fear in a single sentence.

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- "Arrested Development" creator Mitch Hurwitz says his U.S. comedy series is returning to television for a limited time.

Television experts note that, technically, it did that the first time too.

CUPERTINO, California (Reuters) The tech titan's newest iPhone left Wall Street and fans wishing for more than a souped-up version of last year's device, igniting a rare storm of criticism and disappointment on the Internet.

Online sources were shocked today to learn that Reuters reporters don't seem to know that "Internet" is actually a synonym for "criticism and disappointment".

LONDON (UPI) -- The previously unpublished first novel of Sherlock Holmes creator Arthur Conan Doyle has been published in London more than a century after it was written.

Critics say the kid might have a future.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

DETROIT (UPI) -- A video showing a model of the underwear bomb allegedly used by terror suspect Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab may be shown in a federal court in Detroit.

And the world is again divided on the genius of Calvin Klein's new marketing campaign.

OCALA, Fla. (UPI) -- The owners of a Florida ice cream shop said they want to assure locals their white-hooded ice cream cone mascot is in no way associated with the Ku Klux Klan.

Sources hint the store hopes to focus on non-controversial treats in the future, such as the upcoming portable sundae they've named the Stokely Carmelcone.

GREEN BAY, Wis. (UPI) -- A Wisconsin cemetery worker who said he respected "fine musical instruments" has admitted stealing a guitar from a dead man's casket, police said.

Experts in Rock Law say ownership will hinge on what the jury finds more metal: being buried with a guitar or actually taking a guitar from the hands of a corpse.

PORT ST. LUCIE, Fla. (UPI) -- Police in Florida said they arrested a man accused of going to the apartment of his baby's mother and throwing a chicken wing at her.

Witnesses reported it weren't no thang.

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (UPI) -- Hundreds of leeches were applied to a woman's face to treat a large wound inflicted by her own dog, doctors in Sweden said.

Doctors are cautiously optimistic about the possibilities of suckcess.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

PERTH, Australia (Reuters) - Dolphins in one western Australian population have been observed holding a large conch shell in their beaks and using it to shake a fish into their mouths -- and the behavior may be spreading.

Anthropologists were quick to reassure the human race that they have nothing to worry about, but did suggest maybe polluting the oceans a little bit extra juuuust to be sure.

WASHINGTON (UPI) -- A new millionaires' tax rate U.S. President Barack Obama is to propose Monday amounts to "class warfare" that will hurt the economy, several Republicans said.

White House insiders hint the president has contacted Russell from Fat Albert, hoping his junkyard wit will reassure the nation that the plan is just like school in summer.

WASHINGTON (UPI) -- A large satellite as big as a bus will fall to Earth this week but NASA scientists say they aren't sure which day or where it will hit.

Scientists then knocked over America's favorite vase while noting how accidents tend to happen when NASA's funding gets cut.

TAIPEI, Taiwan (UPI) -- A world record for the most people playing the violin together has been claimed by 4,645 elementary and junior high school students in Taiwan, organizers say.

A student nearby, who had just been complaining about something minor, called them all jerks and walked away in a huff.

POINT BREEZE, Pa. (UPI) -- A Pennsylvania man said he was shocked when a high school student showed up at his front door and presented him with a ring he lost nearly 40 years ago.

Sources say the entire event is just a metaphor for World War One.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

DALLAS (UPI) -- A concoction of pink marshmallows blended in bubblegum extract and fried in bubblegum batter has been named most creative food by State Fair of Texas judges.

And in a related story, the constant heat has rendered everyone in the state of Texas completely insane.

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- The national director of the Anti-Defamation League is criticizing Mel Gibson and Warner Bros. for developing a movie about Jewish icon Judah Maccabee.

But sources inside Gibson's camp hint the star has worked hard to stay historically accurate, from the big second act twist where Judah's brother Simeon is killed just one day before retirement to that final one-on-one gunfight against Julius Caesar.

BERLIN (Reuters) - An eight-year-old boy was inadvertently locked inside a school bus for more than 12 hours on a steamy hot day in the eastern German town of Cottbus after the driver forgot about him, German daily Bild reported on Friday.

And in other news, a heated discussion between the two nations regarding how being caught in a bus in Cottbus might or might not constitute irony has brought America and Germany to the very edge of war.

LONDON (Reuters) - Former Vice President Al Gore will renew his 30-year campaign to convince skeptics of the link between climate change and extreme weather events this week in a 24-hour global multi-media event.

Because if there's one group of people who are going to watch twenty-four straight hours of Al Gore, it's hardcore climate change skeptics.

NASHVILLE (UPI) -- The Combos "Americas Manliest Cities" study named Nashville as the most masculine metropolis in the United States.

Dallas scored lowed than expected due to the announcement regarding the pink marshmallows blended in bubblegum extract.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

BINT JBEIL, Lebanon (UPI) -- A group of Lebanese set the world record for the largest serving of kammouneh, a Lebanese national dish, the group says.

Sources say the sixty people enjoyed the dish in the late afternoon, making them the first official kammouneh tea community.

FORT WORTH, Texas (UPI) -- A Texas judge says a juror who tried to "friend" the defendant on Facebook must serve two days of community service for contempt of court.

Furthermore any Foursquare badges or mayorships the juror receives during that time must be forfeited to the state.

DENVER (UPI) -- New instruments 1,000 times more sensitive than previous ones may soon answer question about whether there is life on Mars, U.S. scientists say.

But scientists quietly worry about how the distant planet could cause the extra-sensitive instruments to feel rejected and alone, resulting in all the data taking the form of handwritten Cure lyrics.

ARLINGTON, Va. (UPI) -- The Cadillac Escalade leads the list of passenger vehicles targeted by thieves, insurance claims for 2008-2010 vehicles show.

A statistician who described the crimes as escalade-ing was found beaten to death at the scene.

TORONTO (UPI) -- Canadian psychic said Tuesday she may accept a skeptic organization's $1 million challenge to test her powers once she gets more information about it.

Sources hint the experts have placed the requested information inside a sealed envelope, and are inviting the psychic to use her powers to read it at any time she likes.

PHILADELPHIA (UPI) -- Joey Vento, who became nationally famous for telling customers of his Philadelphia steak shop to order in English, died suddenly.

Those who know him say his life was like his sandwiches: mostly well done, then a cheesy bit added just before the end.

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A couple who spent their honeymoon at New York's Waldorf-Astoria hotel said they are returning for their 50th anniversary at the same rate they paid in 1961.

A spokesperson for the hotel said he was sorry about the error that led to the couple being so drastically overcharged back in 1961.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

Scott's on vacation this week and can't be bothered to read the news. Please enjoy these selections from older Wires about which you can be offended retroactively.

HANFORD, Wash. (UPI/original post)—A helicopter conducted an aerial search for slightly radioactive jackrabbit scat at the Hanford nuclear site in Washington state, officials said.

The pilot reports finding high concentration of oobidydoobitywa, but low amounts of both the usually common diddlyskeepdootbam and the generally rare wopbopmony.

MOSCOW (UPI/original post) -- Russia is moving to ban tobacco advertising by 2012 and public smoking by 2015, officials say.

It plans to accomplish this in the usual way, by luring the advertising into Siberia around late September and then just waiting for the advertising to die.

COLUMBUS, Ohio (UPI/original post)—The number of fireflies lighting up the night throughout the United States appears to be declining, scientists say.

Experts continue to insist that if the episodes had been shown in the correct order, everything would be fine.

COOS BAY, Ore. (UPI/original post)—Luminescent sea worms that eject glowing green blobs have been found off the Oregon coast at depths up to 11,000 feet, scientists said.

Based on these findings, scientists think they’ve found the way to the level boss.

LONDON (UPI/original post) -- An original Apple 1 computer, hand-made by Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak in Jobs' parents' garage, could bring $240,000 when it goes on auction, experts say.

Auctioneers warn that downloading the software updates will take roughly 2.6 years.

ROME (UPI/original post)—Pope Benedict XVI Monday kicked off a weeklong televised Bible marathon featuring more than 1,200 people reading the Christian and Jewish testaments.

Unfortunately, the content of Genesis 19:30-19:36 means that the footage can only be shown after ten pm, and on cable.

NEW YORK (UPI/original post) -- New York police said they arrested a man who allegedly tried to withdraw money from Paul Simon's bank account by impersonating the musician.

The news of the arrest is rumored to have hit Art Garfunkel impersonators the hardest.

RALEIGH, N.C. (UPI/original link)—A family moving from North Carolina to Pennsylvania said a Diet Coke can rode for more than 300 miles on their U-Haul truck’s bumper without falling.

This beats the previous record for a traveling can, which no one cared about enough to write down.

FORT WORTH, Texas (UPI/original link) -- A Texas man who missed his senior year of high school to fight in World War II said he has finally received a diploma at the age of 84.

However, sources say that the man is having a terrible time finding a prom date.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

CUPERTINO, Calif. (UPI) -- Apple's next iPad will likely not be available this year, but when it arrives, it will probably include retina display imagery, U.S. media are reporting.

And yet this cutting-edge new device will somehow still require you to confirm the iTunes Store Agreement via checkbox twice a month.

SAO CAETANO DO SUL, Brazil, Aug. 23 (UPI) -- A designer for Brazilian company Zoom Education for Life has created a 3D printer, which carves shapes from foam, made almost entirely from Lego components.

The first project will be a 3D puzzle of Captain Kirk dressed as Batman fighting Neo in a Darth Vader costume, just to prove it could in fact be a little more nerdy if they tried.

LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- British filmmaker Ridley Scott is to direct and produce a new "Blade Runner" movie, but a script for the flick has not yet been written, Time magazine said.

Sources say the director is thinking about just making it a three hour long long pie fight, under the theory that such an option would offend long-time fans the least.

MIAMI (UPI) -- U.S. fast food seller Burger King said it is putting its regal, but expression-limited mascot, on sabbatical with no particular date for a royal return.

Like many leaders this summer, the current whereabouts of the Burger King are unknown, but rumors hint he may have fled house arrest in an attempt to find sanctuary in Saudi Arabia.

BEIJING (UPI) -- Chinese scientists say they have a plan to save the Earth from a possible collision with an asteroid that could take place in 2036.

According to the scientists, the plan is to start building small consumer goods for the asteroid, then slowly shift to larger items while acquiring the asteroid's outstanding debt, then begin to make alliances with the asteroid's leaders based on the terms of that debt until finally the whole thing just dissolves before impact. Experts say they fell asleep before the end because the plan wasn't as flashy as Armageddon.

WASHINGTON (UPI) -- U.S. researchers say a drug has been found to extend the average life span of obese mice by protecting them from the usual diseases associated with obesity.

This potential increase in healthy fat mice met with approval from the shadowy cabal of cats that funded the study in secret.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

LIEGE, Belgium (UPI) -- Belgian scientists say two 400-million-year old fossil plants show the earliest known examples of wood.

And in a related story, a strange epidemic of giggling has hit fourteen year old boys worldwide.

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (UPI) -- New research suggests oxygen was being produced on Earth hundreds of millions of years before any traces of it appeared in our atmosphere, U.S. scientists say.

Social scientists believe this discovery may help them track and categorize the very first hipster.

COMPTON, Calif. (UPI) -- Los Angeles County authorities say they are investigating an alleged Twitter post by rapper The Game that tied up phones at a sheriff's station.

However police have made it very clear that they are in no way investigating The Player.

NORMAN, Okla. (UPI) -- U.S. researchers say people in so-called culture of honor states have a greater tendency than others to react to reputation threats with hostility and violence.

Citizens in the culture of honor states asked the researchers what exactly they meant by that crack.

PASADENA, Calif. (UPI) -- A NASA-led research team says it's laid to rest a recurrent rumor that Earth has a weight problem, reporting that the planet is not getting fatter after all.

NASA also suspects that the rumor was started by those same mean girls who told everybody that they saw Earth making out with Venus during the Moon's last eclipse.

SPARTANBURG, S.C. (UPI) -- Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a "Happy Birthday" Tuesday, only it was the anniversary of his death.

Bachmann added that she'd loved his work since the very first time she saw him, playing Shannen Doherty's brother on the original Beverly Hills, 90210.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

BRASILIA, Brazil (UPI) -- Brazil has announced it will invest $2.02 billion by the end of 2014 in 75,000 science and technology scholarships that will send students abroad.

Male students are said to be cool with the idea, but some female students say they'd prefer their money be used to send them a dude instead.

SYDNEY (UPI) -- A team including a University of Sydney researcher observed a star being torn apart after getting too close to a massive black hole, the university said Monday.

This phenomenon has not been observed since the mid-1990s, when Kurt Cobain married Courtney Love.

KIVALINA, Alaska (UPI) -- A mysterious orange substance that washed up at Kivalina on Alaska's northwest coast, has people scratching their heads trying to figure out what it is.

Meanwhile, executives at Clearly Canadian raced to shred all documents showing where they dumped the final bottles of Orbitz soda.

BALTIMORE (UPI) -- The operators of the Edgar Allen Poe museum in Baltimore say the loss of financial support from the city could force them to close.

Employees are said to be terrified of shutting down because of what the police might find under the floor.

KINGSTON, Ontario (UPI) -- Researchers in Canada say they've developed a paper-thin computer so flexible it can be rolled up and carried in a pocket.

According to reports, the computer is in a diamond shape, is operated by opening and closing it a certain number of times, and delivers information about who you're going to marry or what your future will be.

BEIJING (UPI) -- Ai Weiwei, one of the harshest critics of the communist Chinese government, used Twitter to hit out against the detention of two other activists.

China responded with a mass arrest of all dissidents having names over 120 characters.

Every week in this space, we’ll take a look at the news and offer our own incisive blend of commentary, analysis, and poop jokes. The news you need, from a voice you can trust, in the 90 seconds you have to spare: that’s Woot Weads the Wire.

NEW YORK (UPI) -- A U.S. psychologist and a New York ad agency are creating a marketing campaign aimed at monkeys to investigate human susceptibility to marketing messages.

And in a related story, TiVo announced massive pre-orders on their upcoming monkey-sized device.

CHICAGO (UPI) -- A union representing housekeepers at the Park Hyatt in Chicago says the hotel used heat lamps as a weapon against protesters.

Historians note this tactic was last used by police in the 1986 "Fry Guy" riots.

NEW YORK (UPI) -- An atheist group says it has filed suit to remove the "World Trade Center Cross" from the Sept. 11 museum in New York City.

Proving that atheists don't seem to believe in public relations either.

WASHINGTON (UPI) -- The United States' credit rating remains top-notch but with an asterisk, two key credit rating firms said Tuesday.

Government officials protested the asterisk, saying no one in their right minds could assume this Congress was on anything performance enhancing.

HOLDEN, La. (UPI) -- Louisiana State Police say they arrested a 28-year-old man who allegedly let his 8-year-old son drive his truck down the Interstate while the father slept.

On orders from the son, lawyers entered his defense: a claim that the cops are just jealous their dad isn't as awesome as his dad.

LAS VEGAS (UPI) -- The Las Vegas resort with the brand name of Hooters has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, court papers show.

Company accountants say it's all gone wings up.